he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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