apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Randomize
