Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
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