handjob tips. give me some.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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