**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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