i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
