woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
