listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
