you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
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