Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Can I color on your dick again?
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Randomize
