You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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