Just fell off a train. Bad.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
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