Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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