he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
