goodnight i made you a song goodbye
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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