Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Randomize
