Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Randomize
