WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Randomize
