Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Did we literally take a cab across the street
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
