I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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