Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
