2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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