i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
