I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Randomize
