is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
