and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Randomize
