I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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