His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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