if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
