my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
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