Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Sober January is a disaster.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
