No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
