my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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