Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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