I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
