I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
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