am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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