I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
