According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
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