why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
