youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
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