Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
