You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
either way he was missing a nipple.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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