I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Randomize
