Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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