I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
