Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Randomize
