so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
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