1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
