Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
Randomize
