you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
