Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
