Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Randomize
