just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
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